Mend My Heart
by joutb
Summary: All the times in which Santana had her heart broken and fixed by the same person (and one time she hadn't). Brittana through the years, starting at the age of five.
1. Five

**Five**

Being new in a town is hard. Like, really, _really_ hard. Now figure being new in a country.

It's not like you had never been to the US before. You had; probably more than girls three times older than you or more had been, but that's not the point. Of course, you _loved_ the United States. Your dad had taken you to see all the Disney's princesses and heroes once, and it was really nice. He also had taken you to New York, which you had been obsessed with since the age of three, and to so many other places you couldn't even remember.

At the age of five, you had been to the United States at least twelve times, a few which you barely remembered. And you really, really loved visiting the country.

But moving in was a little bit different.

It's not like your dad had even asked. He just came home three months ago with a huge smile on his face, telling that he got a promotion. At first, you were really happy. Until he mentioned you'd have to move to a town called Lima, in a state called Ohio. And it wasn't near to the Disney's parks or New York. Lima was a small town in the middle of nowhere, close to nowhere.

And you hated it the second you put your little feet in there.

First of all, people were old. You had been in there for over an hour, travelling around the city in a small, yellow cab and you hadn't seen a kid, not even a teenager. And second of all, people only spoke _English_.

It's not like you didn't speak English too; your parents lived in Connecticut for a long time before moving back to Costa Rica. You had a good English; with a very strong accent, but still. But growing up in San José, you were surrounded by people who would only speak Spanish to you. And now, your whole world, all of your security was gone.

"I promise you will love the house." Your mom whispered, as the cab started to slow down. "There's even gonna have a friend for you on the other house. You'll have a lot of fun, baby; we can get a dog if you want to. Or a cat maybe." You sighed, jumping out of the cab, following your parents.

"Why can't we just go back home?" You grumbled, crossing your arms. Your mom kneeled in front of you, brushing a strand of dark hair away from your eyes. "Mama, I don't want to be here! I want abuela."

"She'll join us, sweetie." Your mom assured. "Santana, you are not even giving it a chance. Just try, okay? You'll get used to it. And besides, next month we'll go back to pick abuela."

"But mami –"

"Hello there, neighbors!" A very, very tall, pale and blonde man greeted. He had a huge grin on his face, but it barely appeared due to his giant moustache. He was a weird man; but still, somehow, you didn't feel intimidated by him. At least there was a pro. "Need help with anything?" Your parents smiled, approaching the man. There was a woman by his side, not as tall as him, but just as blonde and pale. Both of them had blue eyes, ou noticed.

"We are all good. Santanita, come here!" Your dad called, and you shyly obeyed. You didn't really enjoyed meeting new people. Though this man and this woman looked somehow nice. "These are the neighbors mami was telling you about. This is Peter Pierce, and this is Whitney. Say hello."

"Hello." You mumbled, feeling your face heating up.

And then you spotted them.

Blue eyes too. But bigger, brighter and much more warmer than theirs. And they weren't so distant; you could see them perfectly. Behind Mr. Pierce's dad, looking curiously to you. You also caught a glimpse of blonde hair, but not too blonde, in that color that looked almost white. You hated that kind of blonde; but hers was just the perfect color. And when she came to sight, fully, everything seemed to match. The pale skin, with very light freckles, the blue eyes, the blonde, but not too blonde, hair. Almost as if angels had made her.

"Britty, say hi to Santana." Mr. Pierce whispered loudly, and the little angel, _Britty_ , smiled at you.

And your heart melted.

"Santana, this is our daughter, Brittany." Mrs. Pierce introduced, petting her daughter's hair. "You two are the same age, you know?"

"You can go play with Brittany if her parents allow, sweetie. There's a lot to do; you'll get bored." Your mom said, giving you a little push. She knew you had some trouble with making new friends.

"Britt, take Santana to the backyard." Brittany's dad suggested, and the angel nodded. And you were so caught up in her eyes that you barely noticed when Brittany grabbed your hand, pulling you with her in direction to her house. You barely had the time to make her legs move; Brittany was already running and practically dragging you together. And she was giggling. You thought it was probably your favorite sound now.

She guided you until you reached a yard, quite a lot like yours, apart from all the toys laying on the ground and the tree house. But still.

"Do you like dolls?" Brittany asked, sitting on the grass and grabbing one. You nodded, shyly accepting the doll she was now offering you. "You can talk, you know? I'm Brittany."

"I-I'm Santana."

"I know. You have a very pretty name." She turned around to get her other dolls, apparently not noticing the slight blush on your cheeks. Then, she turned her face back to you. "You can sit down, silly. Come play with me."

And you did. You sat on the grass, your hands shaking a little because, well, you were nervous. You weren't good with people. You never had many friends, because people didn't seem to like a girl who would barely open her mouth and that would hide behind her mother if she had the chance.

But yet.

Yet there was this girl. The _angel,_ so to speak. And she seemed to genuinely like you, even though you had a little trouble with talking and making friends. She didn't seem to care.

So, as the afternoon was passing by, you were loosening up a bit. You were more talkative than you'd been with other people in years, and you were interacting and playing and making her laugh and, and –

You two lied on the grass, side by side in silence for a while. The sun was setting down, and your parents would probably come to pick you up at any moment now. But, for the first time, you didn't want to leave. You didn't want to run away when Brittany's mom brought you two snacks and asked you where you were from, if you wanted some more juice, if you were excited to start school in a few months and other things. You didn't want to run away when Brittany hugged you because you promised you'd teach her how to speak Spanish, and you didn't want to run away when she told you that you were her favorite friend, even though that made your tummy feel funny.

"I'm so happy you're gonna stay here, Sanny!" Brittany said, sitting on the grass again. "Mommy said you can sleep over when your parents let you. They will let you, won't they?"

"I think so." You mumbled, smiling.

"You speak funny." She noticed, and your cheeks burned a bit. "But I think it's very cute." And if it was any possible, your face burned even more. "You'll stay here forever, right San?"

"I dunno." You shrugged, closing your eyes for a moment. "I mean, I'm going back to San José next month." You smiled, remembering your abuelita would be home too in a month. You really missed her, even though you'd been in the U.S. for only a day.

"W-what?"

Your eyes snapped open. You sat on the grass, confused, searching for Brittany's eyes. Her voice was cracking, but you couldn't understand why. And her eyes, her beautiful blue eyes, perfectly molded on her face, were sad and tearful.

And that was the first time you had your heart broken.

"Y-you can't leave!" Brittany cried. "You are my favorite friend! Y-you – " She sobbed, and for a second you didn't know what to do. "You can't do this! You can't be like the little prince and leave the fox alone!" You crawled in her direction, opening your arms and embracing her. It was so natural you barely noticed what you were doing. "That movie is so sad, San. And you are making me sadder than that movie."

"I'm not leaving, Britt." You promised, her head buried on your neck. "Britty, I'm just gonna go pick my abuela. I'll come back." She sniffed, and your heart ached even more.

"Pinky promise?" She whispered, and you nodded, linking your pinky to hers. "Okay. I trust you."

And just like that, she fixed your heart again.

You two stood there, in that same position for a few more minutes. Brittany was already giggling, arms still wrapped around your neck. Until your mami came and said it was time to come home.

"But can't she sleep over, Mrs. Lopez?" Brittany asked politely, but your mom just laughed.

"Another time, honey. Come on, Santanita. Say goodbye to your friend."

And, very much to your mother's surprise, you were the one who pulled Brittany on a thigh hug, not wanting to let go. She watched in awe for a few seconds, before petting your head and wishing Brittany and her family good night.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

Later that night, when you were lying on your bed with tons of boxes around you, your mami came by to say goodnight, after your dad tucked you in.

"I don't think I want to go back anymore, mami." You whispered, and she smiled.

"That's fine, baby." She promised, kissing your forehead. "We're not going anywhere."


	2. Ten

**Ten**

You had seen this scene several times over the past few years. Brittany and you, lying on the grass side by side. Hers and yours backyard had become some kind of your hiding spot, since both of them were surrounded by wooden fences. It was pretty much where you two would spend most of your afternoon, except when Brittany had dance classes. These days you would either spend the afternoon locked in your own room waiting for your parents or Brittany to arrive or would go watch her dance. You rather do the latter.

It's not like you didn't have any other friends. Well, you actually didn't. You could say there were two groups of people you knew: the people you would talk to eventually and Brittany. That would sum school up pretty much.

Being a shy immigrant in Lima wasn't exactly easy. Now, being a shy Latin immigrant in Lima was the worst thing ever. Since the very first day you started school, you were bullied for at least half of your class because of your strong accent and your appearance. Only Brittany had the guts to stand up for you. Not even you had.

But growing up like this made you a bit harsh. Your accent was barely noticeable now, but eventually an asshole would ask you about your green card, or tell you to go back to the kitchen or ask you if you would like to take a job as a maid in their home. When you were five, you would bite back the tears and ignore them. At the age of ten, you'd break their noses. And yes, it was a big change for you, but apparently the principal didn't really appreciate the changes. _One more fight and you'll be suspended. And I don't care who your parents are; I am expelling you if I have to,_ he said.

So yeah, it was just a normal day. Except it wasn't.

"You don't have to beat anyone." Brittany said, her hand brushing on yours. "You don't have to put all these walls around you, San. People would love you if you'd let them see you."

"That's easy for you to say." You grumbled. "You like everyone. And everyone likes you."

"No, they don't." She pouted. "They think I'm stupid."

"Well, you are not." You promised. You are a genius, Britt-Britt."

Your blonde friend smiled, gently switching her body to be closer to you. It was a usual thing; Brittany would lay on you during these times of the day, head on your chest and arm wrapped around you. She claimed she loved hearing your heartbeat. You never argued.

"I won't let them pick on you, Santy." She promised.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

And she didn't.

For two weeks, every time someone would pick on you, she would fight back. Every single time.

Until the day she didn't.

When you stopped in front of Brittany's house this morning, her mom told you she wouldn't be going to class, because she was sick. You nodded and asked her to tell Brittany you said hi before making your way to school on your own.

And it wasn't that bad. They didn't give you a hard time most of the day, probably because you sat next to Rachel and, though she was incredibly annoying, you knew she wouldn't bother you. And though you really, _really_ missed Brittany, it wasn't that bad.

That until lunch time.

You usually sat with Brittany on lunch time, but not today, obviously. So you opted to sit with Mercedes Jones, one of the people of the _talk to_ group. She was actually the closest person you could call friend, actually. You kinda liked her. Of course, she was no Brittany, but still.

So you grabbed your lunch and tried to make your way to Mercedes' table as quickly as you could. And you probably would have made it, and probably would have had a not so awful day, if it weren't for Thomas Anderson and his friends on your way, smacking your tray and making all of your food fall on your clothes.

"What the hell!" You hissed, angrily tossing the empty tray on him. He and his friends laughed, pushing you slightly.

"Where's your bodyguard, Lopez?" He sneered. "Don't you need her to be your translator too?"

"Shut it." _Stop the violence,_ Brittany would say. You could literally hear her voice inside your head. "I don't need a bodyguard."

"I'm actually surprised she lasted long." Thomas ignored you. "No one can stand you anyway, you filthy bitch." _No violence._

He stood there for a second, laughing and waiting for your reaction. When you didn't move, they left.

 _Don't cry._

You tried not to run to the bathroom, because – because you weren't weak. You kept biting tears back, ignoring all the weird looks and the laughter. You didn't lock the door on the bathroom; you just tried to wipe your clothes clean as best as you could. It actually made things worse.

 _Don't cry._

"Here." Your head turned sharply, following the voice. It was Mercedes'. "I always keep an extra. It'll be a little large on you, but –" She handed you a shirt, which you took after a moment.

"Thank you." You mumbled, not daring to look at her. You couldn't –

 _Don't cry._

She nodded and left. It was almost like she knew you needed to be alone.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

 _I'm actually surprised she lasted long._

 _No one can stand you anyway._

When you walked home, these sentences kept running through your mind. You tried to ignore them; Brittany wouldn't leave.

 _Or –_

You locked yourself in your room. It wasn't supposed to hurt. Why was your chest aching that much? He's just a stupid boy. She wouldn't leave. She would never ever leave you.

 _No one can stand you anyway._

"I don't need her." You muttered to yourself, embracing your legs and burying your face on your knees. "I can handle myself."

 _I need her._

 _Don't cry._

The phone rang. It took you a moment to realize it was ringing, because you were too caught up in your own thoughts. Sighing, you walked towards it.

"Hello?"

" _Hi sweetie!"_ It was Brittany's mom. You smiled a little hearing her voice. " _How was school?_ "

"It was okay, Mrs. Pierce." You lied. "Is Britt feeling any better?"

" _A little bit, yes._ " You sighed in relief, resting your body against the wall. " _Listen honey, I have to go to work now to figure some things. Would you mind keeping Brittany some company? She said she's missing you._ " Your heartache eased a little after hearing that.

 _She won't leave me._

"Of course!" You answered a bit too excited. "I'll be there."

 _"_ _Great! I'll open the door for you."_

You practically ran to Brittany's house. You needed her. You missed her too. You said a quick hello to Britt's mom before running upstairs straight to your best friend's room. You could hear the sound of the television on; some cartoons she really loved.

"Hey you." She smiled as soon as you opened the door. Her voice was a little hoarse, but she seemed okay. "How was school today, San?"

"Fine." You shrugged, climbing on her bed. She opened space for you, offering her blanket for you to share. "Are you feeling okay now, B?"

"I'm better." She answered. "Mommy made me soup; she said it'll make me strong or something like that. But I don't know, San. Soup never made me really strong. And I have to take it all the time. Like, shouldn't I be looking like Hulk already or something?" You smiled at that, snuggling closer to her.

"I don't think that's what your mom meant, Britt." You said, but she just shrugged. "Will you be good to go to class tomorrow?"

"Probably." You sighed in relief again, resting your head on her shoulder. "How bad was it today, Sanny?"

"Not awful." You lied again. She quirked a brow, her big blue eyes staring at you. "I mean it, Britt."

"You are a terrible liar, you know that?" Brittany mumbled. "Your voice gets funny, and you never look me in the eye." You shook your head, feeling her arm wrap carefully around you. "Tell me what happened, San. You know you can trust me, right?"

"Nothing happened."

"This shirt isn't yours." She pointed out. "And there's a bit of sauce in your pants."

"I dropped sauce in my clothes. Mercedes borrowed me this shirt."

"Stop lying to me!" She snapped angrily. You sat straight on her bed, facing her. "Rachel called. She told me what happened."

"Then why you keep asking?" You hissed, crossing your arms to your chest.

 _I'm actually surprised she lasted long._

 _Don't cry._

She sighed. And for a second, you thought you might have lost her. So you kept your eyes shut, because you didn't want to see all the disappointment in her eyes. You didn't want to see her stopping to care about you. But then pale arms wrapped around you, pulling you straight to her chest. She made you lye your head on her chest, her small fingers running through your hair. "It always makes me feel better. To hear your heartbeat, I mean."

You closed your eyes, paying attention to that sound.

"I hope you know he's an awful person." She whispered. "I hope you didn't pay attention to a word he said."

"It's kind of true." You mumbled.

"No, it's not."

"Britt –"

"Do you remember the first time we met?" She interrupted you. "You promised me you'd never leave me."

"I won't."

"I won't leave you either." She moved her hand to your chest, placing it on your heart. "I see you. All of you." You closed your eyes, burying your face to her chest. "You are the best person I know, San. People just don't see it sometimes." You felt tears starting to roll down your cheeks. You didn't try to stop them. "You are so silly sometimes, Sanny."

"I – " You chocked, tears still falling. "I need you, Britt."

"I'm right here." She smiled. "See? Told you. You are silly."

You didn't argue.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

When Brittany's mom came back, you were fast asleep on her arms. The TV was still on, so she shut it off.

None of your parents had the heart to wake you two up.


	3. Twelve

**Twelve**

Friday was your favorite day of the week. Not because it meant you were free, because if so, your favorite day of the week would be Saturday. You loved Fridays because it meant sleepovers.

Usually it was on Britt's house. Quinn Fabray would join you two eventually, but normally it was just you and Brittany.

And today was no different; you were already on your pajamas and waiting for Brittany to put a movie on. But there was something different today. Brittany was – _weird._ And not in a good way. She had been quiet the whole dinner, and now she didn't even argue with you when you asked her to put a movie with actual people in it, not a cartoon. And Brittany _always_ argued with you when it came about her cartoons.

And she'd always win.

"Okay, what's going on?" You climbed off her bed, sitting on the floor by her side. She shook her head, not answering you. "Come on, Britt. We always tell each other everything. I _know_ something is wrong. And I don't even need my psychic Mexican third eye to know so."

"You are Costa Rican, not Mexican." She muttered, making you smile.

"Whatever." She pouted, and you frowned. "Okay, now I'm really worried. Come on, Britt. Talk to me."

"Allan asked me out today." She blurted out. Your dark eyes widened and you bate your lower lip. You always did that when you were nervous. "I said yes."

Your heart ached. Real badly.

It's not like you hadn't had dates too. You went out with three boys, and it was nice, you think.

But still it ached.

"And what's wrong with that, Britt?" You asked, trying to keep your voice still. "Don't you want to go out with him?"

"I think I do." She shrugged. "But I've never kissed anyone, San. How am I supposed to know where to put my tongue?" You bate back your laughter. "I'm serious! See, that's why I didn't want to talk about it." She pouted, crossing her arms. You rolled your eyes playfully at her.

"You can, I don't know, practice with your stuffed pets?" You suggested and she mirrored you, rolling her eyes.

"How am I going to stick my tongue into its mouth? It doesn't even have a mouth!" This time you didn't even try to hold back your laughter. She didn't seem to mind. "You could practice with me." You widened your eyes, and she rolled hers again. "It's a win-win, silly. I learn how to kiss and I can tell you if you are a good kisser or not."

"I-I don't know." You stuttered. "Britt, we are both girls."

"My mom always says that my first kiss should be with someone who really loves me, because I'll remember it for the rest of my life." She explained, getting closer to you. "And you are my best friend; you love me, right Santy?"

"I-I guess."

"Okay then." She approached you, closing her eyes. You barely had time to process what was happening, because her lips were on yours before you knew.

And boy, what a kiss.

It sounds cliché, but you'd never been kissed like that before. All of the boys were messy and kind of rude, but not Brittany. Her lips were soft, her touch was smooth and her tongue was gentle. She tasted like chocolate, you noticed.

And, just as the kiss started, it ended. She pulled away, breathless, resting her forehead on yours for a moment. "How did I go?" She asked, panting.

"Amazing."

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

She had gone out with him a few days ago. They kissed, she told you. But it wasn't that nice. And for a moment, you were really happy with it. You couldn't understand why, though; you could go out with other boys too. Why couldn't she? And why wouldn't you go out with them anymore?

 _Because she's better._

But then he asked her out again. And she said yes. And now they were kind of dating, and it made your stomach feel funny, but not in the same way it felt when you two first met. You felt kind of nauseous, sick. And your chest really ached when you were near her, and you were scared it could be just as that illness you saw at _Dr. House_ the other day, which the boy had to forget his friend because it was giving him heart attacks to be near her. But then again, you didn't actually pass out or had to go to the hospital, but still. It hurt real badly; your mom said it was because you were afraid of losing your friend, but it didn't feel exactly like it. Especially because Brittany promised she would never ever leave you, and you both pinky promised, so it was a big deal, especially for her.

Britt never lied to you.

And today was one of these days you were lying on her bed hearing her chattering about this new show she was watching, _So You Think You Can Dance_ maybe, and how the girls were good and how she wanted to be a part of the show someday. And it never bothered you to hear Brittany babbling about any kind of stuff; but today, your chest and your stomach were hurting so bad you wanted to cry. And it only made it worse when she mentioned Allan asked to see her dance the other day, and that she promised him good seats at her next presentation.

She always gave you the good seats.

Slowly, you started to curl your body into a ball. You didn't even notice you were doing so until she sat on bed, grabbing your shoulders. You immediately sat straight again; she was looking worriedly at you, hand running through your cheek. "You don't look well, San." She mumbled, sitting closer. Instinctively, you moved away. And you immediately regretted it, seeing the pain in her eyes. "What's gotten into you? I can barely touch you without you running away." You didn't answer. You chewed your lower lip, hoping that conversation would end miraculously. Where was her sneaky little sister when she most needed her? "Is it something to do with Allan? You have been like that since – " She didn't finish her sentence. "Tell me what's wrong."

"But I don't know what's wrong." You said quietly, and she frowned at you. "I don't, Britt. I swear. I just feel – kinda weird." You pressed your hands to your chest, closing your eyes. "It hurts. I just don't – I can't understand why, B."

She didn't say anything for the first moment. She just stared at you, eyes blank. And then –

And then she kissed you.

Your eyes closed the moment her lips touched yours. It felt like heaven. She kept a hold on your cheeks, almost as if she was scared you were going to run away.

You lost track of time. You had no idea of how long you two had been making out, but it sure must have been a long time. Your lips were swollen; you'd never gotten your lips swollen by kissing anyone before. "Does it feel better?" She asked, pressing her hands to your chest.

"Y-yeah." You smiled a little. "How did you know how to make it go away? Have you ever felt like this?"

"Yes." She mumbled, kissing the tip of your nose.

"And what is it?"

She stood in silence for a minute. Almost as if considering if she should tell you or not. "I don't really know." And it almost felt like she was lying, but that didn't make any sense, because Britt would never lie to you. "But I know sweet lady kisses make it better." You laughed at it, moving closer to her.

She never spoke about Allan again. Well, hardly ever.

At the end, she gave you the good seats for her performance.

At the age of twelve, you had no idea what love was.

But Brittany did.


	4. Fifteen

**Fifteen**

The only thing you hated about your parents is that they were never home. Like, ever.

Your dad, being a doctor, was either at the hospital or travelling around the country for conferences. Your mom, being a lawyer, was always travelling too. So, as great parents as they were, they weren't really present. Of course, you would skype with your mom every day when she was away, but it wasn't like she was actually there. You missed her real badly sometimes. When you were thirteen, they got you a dog so you wouldn't feel so lonely in the house. But, as much as you loved that dog, you still felt lonely. So, when mom and dad weren't home, Brittany would sleep over.

She'd been sleeping over a lot lately.

Her parents didn't actually care; you two normally would have dinner with them and then go to your house, since it was literally twenty five steps away. Yes, you counted.

Tonight you two decided to have dinner at your place. It was Friday, so Brittany's parents didn't mind. And plus, it was always like that. Fridays had always been the sleepover day anyway.

But sometimes she was with _him._

These times you were out with Puck.

At the age of fourteen, you found out that you were madly, deeply in love with Brittany. But it didn't mean you accepted it.

Because you two couldn't happen.

You two can't be together.

Because.

Because you are both girls.

And it confused you, really. Because you just couldn't be away from her. And, as much as it hurt, you couldn't _not_ kiss her. In these moments, when you two were making out, it seemed like everything was fine. All settled, as it should be. But when it stopped, it hurt. When you had to go to school and see her with that Allan stupid boy, holding hands and doing shit like that, it seemed like your chest was going to explode. It seemed like your heart was breaking into pieces, and there was nothing you could do to stop the pain.

Nothing but to pretend you could love her.

And days like today, when you were already in your bed, you didn't really make out. You kissed her skin, soft and gently. And she kept an arm around you, while stroking your hair with her other hand. And times like this, you had to control yourself. Because you were not hers. She wasn't yours. And yet –

Yet you liked to pretend, just for this moment, she was.

You brushed your nose on hers, making her smile before kissing her mouth. Brittany held you close for a second before you pulled away. She was smiling, and you couldn't help but smile too. Times like this, you wondered if she was just as confused as you were.

 _Best friends don't do this._

"You should wear your hair more like this." She said, running her fingers through your dark locks. "You look really beautiful."

"You do too." She rolled her eyes at you. She never believed when you said she looked beautiful. "Are you free tomorrow? I was thinking we could go watch that movie I told you about last week. You know, the one with that creepy guy with a chainsaw." Then suddenly, she got serious. And that really creeped you out, because Brittany was only serious when something was up.

"I-I can't." She stuttered, sitting on your bed suddenly. You sat too, moving from her lap to her side. She stared at her lap, her face turning really red. "Allan wants to have sex."

" _Oh._ "

"Y-yeah." Your breath got heavier, but you tried to mask it. These were the moments you were most scared of: the reality. Because seriously, it was almost as if reality ripped your heart away from your chest and smashed it, leaving you in pieces. "San. I-is it any good?"

 _No._

"I suppose." You lied, avoiding her eyes. No, it wasn't good. They were all gross and couldn't last five minutes. You hated it; but you needed it. Because – because you couldn't have her.

"Do you – do you think I should?"

 _Not with him. Why not –_

"I think you should do whatever you are comfortable with." You mumbled, and she nodded.

 _Why not me?_

You didn't speak anymore. You two lied back in bed, and she wrapped an arm around you. And you wanted to cry. Because –

 _It's not right._

 _You are a coward._

She started running her fingers through your uncovered arms, stroking every inch of your skin. "What time are we going to Jessica's birthday?" She asked, breaking the uncomfortable silence. You shifted in bed, facing her again. She didn't let go of your waist.

"I never said I was going." She rolled her eyes at you playfully, smiling.

"You are obsessed with parties." She reminded you. "Which means we are going."

"Just you and me?" You bate your lower lip, staring hopefully at her. And she nodded with a small smile, blue eyes staring at your dark ones.

And god, you are hopelessly in love.

 _Why not me?_

Before you could stop yourself, or even before you could at least stop to _think_ about what you were doing, you leaned in and kissed her. Harshly, more than you've ever kissed her. Need and sloppily, because you felt that if you kissed her slower you would start thinking again, and thinking again would make you stop it, and you didn't want to stop it because, because –

 _Because she's mine._

Brittany pulled you to her lap, making you sit with her. She was eagerly kissing you back, hand buried on your hair. And you were so – so drunk in her. Your hands wandered on her skin, under her shirt. Your mouth moved from her lips to her neck, because you wanted to mark her. You wanted to make sure everyone would know she was yours.

At least just for this moment.

"Kiss me." She asked, and you obeyed, catching her breath.

You had been going with this "practice" thing since you were twelve. You never stopped, even though you thought Brittany definitely didn't need to practice with anyone.

Before you knew, her shirt was off. Tossed carelessly on the ground, leaving her only in her bra and her pajama pants. You'd seen her like this before, like in practice, but you always tried to avoid looking. But now you didn't have to. So you stared, afraid to touch because – because she didn't seem real. She was too perfect to be real.

She grabbed your hand, placing it on her stomach. You smiled, leaning in. "Come here." You said, and she mirrored you, leaning in to a kiss. You wrapped your legs around her, hands moving to her bra to unclasp it. And then –

And then something jumped in your bed.

You abruptly pulled away, eyes widened and looking for the intruder. You heard Brittany laughing, holding still on your waist. "Scooby! Get down!" Your dog wiggled his tail, happily. "Come on boy, get down." He obeyed Brittany, jumping out of your bed. And she smiled at you again, hand running through your hair. "So…" Brittany leaned, trying to kiss you, but –

But you couldn't.

You were frozen.

"Don't do this." She whispered, moving her hands to your shoulders. You knew what she was doing, it wasn't the first time; she was trying to keep you sane. Because – because your mind was working too fast. And you were overthinking. And, and – and you couldn't breathe. "No. Come on, look at me." You didn't. Instead, you abruptly moved away from her.

 _You are a coward._

You sat on the edge of your bed, trying to stabilize your breathing. You heard her getting on her feet and picking her shirt up before sitting in your bed again. You couldn't look at her. If you did so, your heart wouldn't bear it. Because, as much as you didn't give a fuck to what people thought, you did about her. She just _couldn't_ be disappointed on you. Not her.

"I'm drinking some water." She mumbled, and you nodded as she left the room. You sighed, burying your face on your hands.

Your dog walked towards you, resting his face on your lap. You smiled, scratching behind his ears.

The thing about your dog is that he calmed you down, no matter how pissed, panicked or sad you were. You just – there was no way you could get upset with him.

"Do you think she's gonna stay mad for long?" You asked him after a while. He wiggled his tail, looking happily at you. "I'm an idiot."

"That you are." Brittany agreed. You turned your head sharply, finding her watching you from the door. She walked towards you again, sitting behind you. "I'm not mad. I'm just – I'm fine. I just thought you wanted it. I'm sorry."

"I'm the one who started." You mumbled. "This isn't right. I'm sorry Britt."

"Just forget it. It's fine." She shrugged, but you knew it wasn't okay. "I'm hungry."

"Me too." She stretched her arm, scratching your dog's ears. "I think there's some pizza left."

"I think so." She agreed. "Come on, we can heat them up." She got on her feet, offering you her hand. When you didn't move, she sighed, kneeling in front of you. "I'm not angry, and I'm not gonna get upset with you because of this. You did nothing wrong, San. It's practice, remember?" She offered you a smile, but you didn't return. "Besides, it's just sex, right? You say it all the time."

"No." You muttered. "It's not the same thing."

She frowned. "Why not?"

"Because it's your first time." You continued. "And you are too special. More than anyone else. And you should save it for someone who deserves it. Actually, you should save your body to someone who deserves you always. You shouldn't – you don't have to have sex with everyone just because they want it, Britt. You are too good." You lifted your hand to her hair, stroking it. "You should always be with someone who deserves you. Not me." She opened her mouth to speak, but you didn't let her. "I'm really hungry. Can we go get that pizza?"

She stopped; for a second, it looked like she was deciding either she should continue or interrupt the subject. You prayed she'd choose the latter.

"Sure." She finally agreed. "Come on, let's go."

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

Spending your Saturday night cuddling with your dog on the couch while watching TV and praying that the storm wouldn't make the lights go off wasn't exactly your favorite thing to do. Well, at least you had your dog.

The thing about you and Scooby is that you both hated rain. Like, you wouldn't put your foot outside when it was raining because you were scared to death of doing so. Knowing so, your parents texted you like a thousand times today, to make sure you were safe and okay. And you told them you were with Brittany.

She was the only person, apart from your parents, that knew how badly the rain scared you. So she'd always come over to be with you, cuddling on the couch and telling you silly things just to calm you down. And it always worked; you ended up sleeping peacefully in her arms.

But not today.

Today, she was with him.

You groaned, shutting your eyes and curling into a ball. Your dog watched in silence, slightly moving so he wouldn't fall from the couch. The image of him trying to get into her pants and her letting him kept coming back, making your body hurt like bitch, like you couldn't breathe properly anymore.

 _It should be me._

 _You're a coward._

Silently, tears started rushing down your face. You never cried; you'd rather mask your feelings going all Lima Heights on everyone that hurt you. But you could never do that with her. Because you could never, ever hurt her. The only thing left to be done was to cry alone, because you'd never let her see you cry, because that would hurt her too. You just –

You loved her too much.

And -

And then someone was smacking your door. No, not nicely knocking, but smacking it. Or maybe kicking, you weren't so sure. But the thing is, there was someone at your door. So you wiped your tears away and walked towards the door, with your dog following you. And then –

And then she was there.

And it almost looked like a dream, except –

Except for the fact that she was soaked, her makeup was all blurred, her clothes weren't exactly straight and her cheek was bruised. "Britt? What the hell –"

"Can I sleep here tonight, please?" She asked, her voice so small it made your chest ache again. You nodded, pulling her inside. Instinctively, you pulled off your coat, wrapping it around her bare shoulders. "San, don't do it. I'm gonna get your clothes wet."

"Don't worry about it." You shrugged. "Do you wanna tell me what happened?" She shook her head, her blue eyes teary. And it made it hurt again. "Okay, okay. Don't cry." You pulled her into an embrace, stroking her light hair. "Come on, you should take a shower. You're gonna catch a cold if you keep like that." She nodded, letting you guide her upstairs. You handed her a towel before kissing her bruised cheek. She stiffened a little, but then leaned into the touch. "I'll wait in my room, okay?"

She locked the door, and you left out a sigh. Your clothes were wet, so you went back to your room to get your PJs on. And you were really happy she was there, but you were also in pain. Because she was so hurt. And you hated when Brittany was hurt.

 _Did he –_

Your felt your blood boiling. She was with him tonight. They were going to have sex.

 _He wouldn't._

 _Would he?_

She entered the room. And shit, you totally forgot to get her clothes, because now she was only wearing a towel, but she didn't seem to mind, because she crawled in bed and snuggled closer to you, lying on your arms. And you stiffened a little, but eventually relaxed. She had her face buried on your neck, her wet hair falling on your clothes.

"Don't you wanna get some clothes on, blondie?" You asked with a small smile, which she didn't return. She didn't answer at all, actually. She just snuggled even closer to you, if that's even possible. You kissed her hair, even though you probably shouldn't. "Did he touch you?" You whispered before you could even think of it. But thankfully, she shook her head. "I'd kill him."

"I know." She smiled through your skin. "You don't have to, though." Then, you both stood in silence. You kissed her again, and again, and again, and –

She lifted her face slowly, kissing you on the lips. You sighed, not taking a moment to kiss her back. She opened her mouth, deepening the kiss and leaning into you, hands grabbing a hold on your neck. And you let her, for just a moment. You let your hands wander all over her body, slightly pulling her towel down so you could touch her. But you stopped, because – because you didn't want to cross that line. And it made her face sad again.

"Why don't you want me?" She muttered, sadly looking at you. You didn't answer. "He kept kissing me. I told him I didn't want to have sex anymore. He called me a cunt, and he said he knew I was cheating on him. I said I wasn't because – well, we don't count as cheating, right? Same plumbing and all. But he didn't believe me. He hit me, San." Unconsciously, you lifted her hand to stroke her cheek. She covered your hand with hers. "And then I left. And my mom had to take my car today, so I ran 'till here. And now –" you nodded, and she stopped speaking. "Why don't you want me?"

"Don't you get it?" You answered quietly, smiling sadly at her. "I don't deserve you."

"That doesn't make sense. My mom always told me that my naked body should only belong to who loves my naked soul. I think she saw that on a movie or something." You laughed at that. "But I'm serious. No one loves me like you do. I mean – you do love me, right? Because I love you so."

"I-I –" You stuttered, avoiding her eyes. But. But you didn't want to lie anymore. "I do. I love you."

"That's the point. I always wanted you to be my first, because you love me just like I am." She explained. "And I love you just like you are. So – why not?"

"Because you just broke up with your stupid boyfriend, you are cold and you are hurt." You answered. "You can't be thinking straight."

"I want you."

"Britt – "

"No." She sat straight on your bed, adjusting her towel. "You know, all I could think about when I was with him is that I wanted it to be you. And I know you want me too. I can see it, alright?" She grabbed your hands, placing it on her boobs. You gulped. "Touch me. It's okay, Santana. I want you to." You shook your head, moving your hands away from her.

"Stop that." You begged. "You arrived here all fucked up, and now you decided you want me to – Britt, I can't. What if you regret it?"

"I wouldn't."

"I wouldn't bear it." You ignore her, getting on your feet. "Britt, please, put some clothes on." She pouted, and you had to look away, because you could never stand that pouty face. "Don't argue. Just go put some clothes on. You're gonna catch a cold like this."

"Just one more question." She got on her feet too, getting closer to you. "If I had come here any other day, would you want me?" You didn't answer, which made her apparently satisfied. "I thought so." She smiled, walking towards your closet. She dropped her towel, and you had to shut your eyes because – damn. "You can look." She said, and you opened your eyes, a little afraid that she wouldn't be fully clothed. And she rolled her eyes at you, wrapping her arms around your neck and sitting on your lap. "Now, can you hold me a little bit?" You rolled your eyes too, wrapping both arms around her. "Do you think I'm a slut?"

"What?" You snapped, and her cheeks turned red. "Did he call you that?" She nodded, and your blood started boiling again. "That fucking – I'll kill him if –"

"You are not killing anyone." She said firmly, and you sighed but nodded in agreement.

"How are you?" You asked after a few moments in silence, stroking her bruised cheek. She shrugged, biting her lip. "You can talk to me, Britt."

"I mean," She mumbled, sighing. "I was a little bit scared when I got here, because I thought he'd come after me." She explained, and you nodded in understanding. "But I'm not sad, you know. I mean, we dated for a really long time, but – I don't know, San. I think it was already over. I feel bad for not being sad." You smiled, kissing her chin. "You always make me feel well."

"That's certainly why I'm your best friend."

"Maybe." She agreed with a smile. "Shit, it's raining. Are you okay? I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have gone there. I should have –"

"It's fine, I'm not a kid anymore." You interrupted her, even though the noise outside was freaking you out. "Britt, I'm taking care of you tonight. Don't worry about me."

"How about that: we both take care of each other." She said with a small smile. You nodded, and she leaned to kiss you. Again, and again and again. "You should wear your hair like that more often. You look really pretty and smart."

"Britt, my hair is all messy." You grumbled, your cheeks heating up.

"Still pretty."

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

Later that night, when she was lying by your side all curled up around you, you couldn't manage to sleep.

 _I always wanted you to be my first._

 _Because I love you so._

It was all you ever dreamed of. All you ever wanted. Then why couldn't you?

 _You're a coward._

You shook your head, dismissing the thought. No. You promised yourself you wouldn't believe that anymore. So you watched her sleeping peacefully, her arms wrapped around your waist. And you just –

 _I love you._

You didn't hesitate. You leaned, kissing her, even though she was sleep. Because – because you couldn't take it anymore. You needed her.

You needed her love.

"San?" She mumbled, opening her eyes confused.

"Are you sure?" You asked, and for a second, she didn't understand what you were talking about, so she just stared in confusion. Until her eyes widened, suddenly realizing and she nodded furiously.

And then you kissed her.

And you two weren't in a hurry this time, because you weren't afraid of thinking too much.

Because she was the only thing you were sure this time.

And when she gave you her naked body, all perfectly shaped, you were ashamed of yours. You covered yourself with your hands, suddenly conscious, but she just shook her head. "Don't. You look beautiful." When you didn't move, she stared a bit in confusion. "I don't get it. You gave yourself for these boys who only give a fuck about themselves but you can't give yourself for me?"

"You're too perfect."

"You are too." She moved your hands away from your body, leaning in and kissing your bare chest. "So, so beautiful, San." You whimpered, closing your eyes for a moment. "Love me?"

And you did.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

When you woke up the next morning, you panicked. You wanted to leave.

But.

But she was laying there, the sheets barely covering her pale skin. Her face was turned to you, eyes closed. And you smiled because you started having flashbacks from the first day you two met and so many other days you two spend together, when you were so deeply in love but didn't know yet. And she looked exactly the same, just more beautiful.

But still looked like an angel.

You didn't have the balls to leave.

You leaned in, kissing her eyes, her nose, her cheeks, her chin – all over her face. And only when she smiled, you went for her lips. "Morning." She mumbled, eyes still closed. You smiled, lying back by her side. "I like when you wake me up like this."

"I'm not doing so if we are late for school, so don't even try." You joked, and she giggled. "Morning B."

She smiled, cracking her eyes open. You stopped breathing for a moment, because these eyes always did that to you. "San, cuddle." She gestured for you to come closer, opening her arms. So you snuggled closer, kissing her bare shoulder before burying your face on the crook of her neck. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For being you." She answered, and you didn't quite get it. But it gave you a warm feeling inside. "Where does that leaves us?"

"We're still best friends." You answered quickly, even though – "Nothing has changed."

Even though it broke your heart.

"Oh." She mumbled, and suddenly, her arms didn't feel so warm anymore. She didn't seem happy.

"Please, don't do this." You pleaded, moving just a little to look at her. "Britt, ask me for anything. Not this. I-I - I can't."

"I know, I know." She assured you. "I'm not asking anything."

But.

"Do you wanna stay over today?" You asked quietly, and she nodded. "Okay. I'll make us breakfast."

"I'll help." She offered, but you shook your head.

"You stay here. I'll bring everything." She frowned, but you just shrugged.

She deserved the best.

You wanted to give her the best.

Even though.

Even though you wouldn't give what she wanted.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

Later that night, when your clothes were once again tossed on the floor, you watched her sleep. As creepy as it sounded, you just sat there and watched her sleeping peacefully, just because you could.

You brushed a few strands of hair away from her eyes, before leaning and placing your lips carefully on her cheek. And you smiled, because –

Because she was yours.

At least for a weekend.

And you just couldn't deal with that, because you were just too happy. It barely could fit inside you. So you leaned closer to her ear, because she should know.

She deserved to.

"I love you." You whispered to her ear and, even though she was asleep, even though she wouldn't remember it, it felt good. "I love you too much."

You laid back by her side, snuggling closer and wrapping an arm around her waist. And then there was your turn to fall asleep, happily.

She wouldn't tell you any time soon, but.

But she wasn't asleep.


	5. Seventeen

**A/N: Thank you for the reviews! I'm glad you are all enjoying the story.  
This is the penultimate chapter, but I'd like you to know that I'm working on a new story, and I plan on posting it soon.  
Stay tuned!  
xoxo  
Jout Jout**

xxxxxxxxxxx

 **Seventeen**

As soon as you shut the door, you were pinned up against the wall. You smiled, trying to return the kisses you were receiving, but it didn't work quite well. "What's with you?" You giggled, deciding to just bury your hand on Brittany's blonde hair while she kissed your neck. She smiled against your skin, sulking on your pulsing point and making you moan.

"You seriously have no idea?" She unzipped your uniform, taking it off you. "I've been thinking about that since the first period. You really shouldn't walk only on your underwear in front of me." You laughed, but your laughter was suppressed when she deepened her tongue into your mouth.

"I wasn't trying to provoke you." You lied, and she rolled her eyes, unclasping your bra and tossing it on the floor. "I had to get changed. Not my fault if you can't keep it on your pants."

"Of course it's my fault." She sneered, kissing your chest.

You moaned, and she buried her fingers inside you with no previous warning. And you knew she was smiling.

No one made you feel like that. So – _complete._ And yet, there was love involved. You knew so. But.

But seventeen years old Santana Lopez would never admit she was in love with her best friend.

Who happens to be a girl.

"Britt – " She kissed you hard, muffling your moans and rocking her fingers harder on you.

"You are so sexy." She whispered against your mouth, running her tongue trough your lips. And you tried to answer, you did, but she was just too much. "Come for me, San."

And you did, releasing a loud moan that echoed through the halls of your house. She kept her fingers inside you, holding you with her other hand. And you buried your face on her neck, waiting for your breathing to get still.

You loved these moments.

Every time, after you had sex, or even after an intense make out session, you would hold each other. Sometimes, you'd stay just for a few moments. Others, you'd end up falling asleep like that.

"I love you."

You froze. Your heart started beating faster again, you started panting.

And you couldn't answer anything.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

You slept with Puck the other day.

It didn't feel like her. It never did anyway. But you still slept with him, because you couldn't get her out of your head.

 _"_ _Please, say something."_

She heard about it. Somehow, it would always get to her ears. And you knew it, because she always got weird when it happened. And today, she wasn't speaking to you. At all.

 _"_ _Don't. Please, don't."_

"What's up with you and Brittany?" Quinn asked during lunch time, because seriously, you two never sat apart. Like, not once since you met each other.

"Nothing." You lied, avoiding her eyes. Quinn quirked a brow, because she just knew it. It wasn't that hard to assume, but still. "We had an argument, that's all."

 _She shook her head, blue eyes mixed with sadness and anger. And then she left. And you fell down, breaking down in tears._

"Okay." She didn't buy it, but being Quinn, you knew she wouldn't insist. That's pretty much why you liked her so much. "Do you want me to talk to her or something?"

"No, it's alright." You shrugged. "We'll be okay."

 _"_ _Don't speak to me again."_

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

 _Coward._

You threw your stuff on the couch as soon as you got home. But seriously, the only thing you truly wanted to do was to throw yourself on the ground and sob until it all went away. But you had to keep your shit together. Because you couldn't be in love with her.

You can't love a girl.

But if there was one thing you couldn't do was to stay away from your best friend. You couldn't afford to lose her.

 _You loved her._

You heard the front door opening, which was weird, because your parents would only be home tomorrow. But then.

You gave Brittany a spare key.

Well, fuck.

"I get it, I would have." Brittany started, before you could even turn around to see her. "You still believe that 'same plumbing' crap, you are not ready and whatever. But did you seriously have to sleep with him?" Her voice cracked, and you could swear your heart did the same. "I keep trying to find a reason for it, besides you wanting to hurt me. I couldn't find one, Santana." Your vision was getting blurred, like, seriously blurred. And then your face was wet.

"Britt, don't be like that." You tried, but she shook her head. Her pouting lips and tearful eyes.

You were so broken.

"I can't –" She took deep breaths. "I can't wait for you again. I-I kept waiting all these years because you said you loved me, you said it after we made love for the second or third time, and I believed you. B-but I don't anymore. I-I can't do this to myself. I-I – " Her tears were falling so hard she couldn't even keep her voice straight. "I love you. I love you so much it hurts. And I'm not a sex toy, for fuck's sake! You can't – you don't get to use me like this, y-you don't get to pretend you love me –"

"I'm not fucking pretending, Brittany!" You yelled back, wiping the tears away.

"Then why would you sleep with him?" She cried, and you weren't sure of how long you would still keep it together. Well, you actually weren't. "You know, I-I'd have stayed if you didn't have the guts to say you love me back. I would, because – because I wouldn't mind waiting. But you – god, I can barely say it." She ran a hand through her hair. "I-I can't keep living like this, begging for these little moments of love. I opened up my heart for you and you broke it."

"It didn't mean anything."

"Well, it did for me." She sniffled. "How would you feel if I slept with someone else?" You cringed, crossing your arms to your chest. "Yeah, you got the point."

"Britt, you can't break us just because I can't – I won't be with you." You hissed, taking a step closer to her. She took a step back.

"It's not that. Don't you get it?" She sighed, rubbing her eyes. "It's about you lying. And even if you weren't, if you didn't want to be with me, you just – you did it to hurt me. You don't even like him, but you slept with him just to annoy me. Just to fucking prove to yourself you don't want me. And that hurts, a lot. To think your best friend would do that to you."

"I didn't do it to hurt you, goddamn it Britt!" You exploded. "We are not a fucking couple; you don't get a say on that. I'll fuck whoever I want whenever I want. Don't think of yourself as someone special because of that." You regret it the moment the words come out of your mouth.

Because her eyes.

"Britt…" You mumbled, tears rushing down your face once again. Even though she tried to stop you, you grabbed her arms, forcing her to stay. "Brittany, I didn't mean it. You know I didn't."

"You are the only person I've slept with." She cried. "And I gave myself to you because I loved you. But it's always gonna be a matter of sex for you, isn't it?"

"You know it isn't true."

"Get away from me."

You backed off. You didn't mean to break her. You didn't – you'd never hurt her in purpose. Would you? No, you would never.

She left. And you watched in silence, tears rushing down your face. As soon as the door was shut, you collapsed to the floor.

You'd lost her.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

She didn't say a word to you the next day. Well, you had a few projects you were working on together, but she only spoke to you when it was necessary. And no, there was just no fucking thing you could do to make her even look at you. And that was awful.

And you were desperate, literally, because you followed her all day long, talking about whatever came into your mind, but she kept ignoring you. You even sat with the Glee Club during lunch. But she didn't even look at you.

She hated you.

So you went home by yourself, which wouldn't be a problem if she had gone with her car. But she would have to go walking, and you got home in like ten minutes and, as soon as you parked the car, you started making your way back to school on foot because you knew she got confused with streets names and with all the crossing streets and stuff. So, even though she was still pissed and probably would ignore your existence, you went after her.

And you actually found her a few quarters away from home, going to the wrong direction. So you ran after her, following her from a safe distance. She eyed you, but didn't say anything. "It's for the other side, Britt." She huffed, but turned around, going to the other side. You walked with her in silence, watching her angry face. "You could have taken a ride with me, Britt." She didn't answer, so you kept in silence.

She followed you, looking down to her feet. You knew she was just as angry with herself as she was with you right now, because she didn't want you there. And yet, she needed you.

"I'm sorry." You muttered, even though she wouldn't answer. "And I – I do too. You know I do."

She stopped, and it made your heart skip a beat. She actually looked at you, with hurtful eyes. "You can't even say it."

"I am saying it."

"I just can't get it." She interrupted you. "Which 'L' word are you so afraid of."

You kept in silence for the rest of the path.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

You took her home for the rest of the week, doing exactly the same thing. Walking side by side in absolute silence, every fucking day.

Until a day you didn't.

You were waiting for her to get out of the building at the same place, with Quinn by your side. But then.

But then she came out with a blonde, handsome boy. And he was a bit too close, and obviously telling her something funny, because she wouldn't stop laughing. And when she didn't stop, when she didn't even look at you, you broke down inside. And you weren't strong enough to stop a single tear for rolling down your cheek. At least not anymore.

"Come on, S." Quinn gave a light squeeze to your shoulder. "I'll give you a ride."

She didn't say anything for the whole ride either, and she didn't ask why the hell you wouldn't get out of her car when you two got to your place. She knew you were waiting. So she didn't mind asking.

And when you spotted your blonde arriving with that boy, your blood boiled. She was still giggling, and didn't stop him when he leaned in to kiss her. Your eyes got tearful, but you were just too angry. As soon as he stepped back and left, you opened the car door and ran to her front door. You knocked like a crazy bitch, but you didn't mind it right now. You were just so _angry._

And when she opened the door, her blue eyes were way too confused. But you didn't let her speak. "Who the hell was that?" She rolled her eyes at you and tried to shut the door, but you put your feet there, stopping her.

"What the hell?" She snapped, trying to push you.

"You – why are you fucking doing it? You knew I was watching."

"That's none of your business."

"You are my business."

"No, I'm fucking not!" She hissed. "We are not a couple, remember? You don't get a say on who I choose to date."

"Brittany, no." You held her arms, but she pulled back. Her eyes were tearful, just as yours. But you just – "It felt like cheating, okay? It always did." You cried, not bothering to wipe your tears. "I slept with boys all the time because I was fucking scared – I actually still am. I – it's not right. But I can't help it, I-I can't feel otherwise. I –" You sniffled, placing a hand on top of your heart just because – because it hurts. "I love you too."

She was crying too. Maybe just as much as you, or even more. "It's too late now." She muttered, taking a step closer to you just to push you back a little. "Goodbye, Santana."

You broke down. It felt like your whole body was being crushed down, and – and you couldn't breathe anymore.

Then, a pair of hands squeezed your shoulders, and you turned around just a little to find Quinn.

She never left.

She knew.

"Let's go home, San." She whispered, and you just let her take you.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

You two had been sitting on your couch for about two hours. You had stopped crying just a few minutes ago, but your body still ached. You were curled around Quinn, like a little kid who was scared of the dark. And she had been there, muttering comfort words to you. But now, you two were in silence, just hearing each other's breaths.

"What should I do now?" You whispered to her. Your dog jumped on the couch, cuddling with you both.

"Do you really love her, Santana?" She asked, and you nodded furiously. "Then you'll have to tell your parents first." Your eyes widened. "They love you, S. They won't love you less or stop loving you just because you are gay. Your happiness is more important for them."

You started crying again.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

When your mom arrived, you were still crying on the couch with Quinn.

"Santanita? Mija, what happened?" She rushed to you, worriedly. Quinn sent you a questioning look, and you just nodded, trying to stay calm. She gave you a small hug before getting up and leaving the room. "Santana, I don't understand what's going on." Your mom said softly, sitting on the couch by your side. "Is it something to do with Brittany?" Your sobs increased, and you nodded. "Oh, honey. Did you two have a fight?"

"I love her, mami." You cried, throwing yourself on your mother's arms.

"I know, baby. But I don't understand."

"N-no." You cried even harder, if that's any possible. "I love her more than as just friends, mami." You took deep breaths, trying to calm yourself. "I-I'm gay."

"Oh, Santana." Your mom cooed, kissing your face and stroking your hair. "I always knew there was something else. That's alright baby, I don't care if you love boys or girls. I'm actually glad that mohawk boy won't be coming over again." You smiled a little, but didn't stop crying. "And I always thought of Brittany as the perfect daughter-in-law. So, why are you still crying?"

"I lost her."

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

Your parents took the whole lesbian thing pretty well. Your dad said he was kind of glad he didn't have to worry about having grandsons soon, and made another joke about how he always noticed you stared at your Cousin Jessica's butt for too long.

But you still didn't have your girl.

 _I lost her._

You spent the whole night awake, so your mom let you stay at home for the day. You texted Quinn, telling her everything went well and that you wouldn't be going to class. You also asked her to give Brittany a ride in case she didn't have any company today.

And so you spent most of your morning in bed, crying every now and then, petting your dog and assuring your mom you were okay. And you finally started drifting to sleep, and you were actually glad you'd get some at all. And then.

Someone was in your bed.

You turned around sharply, eyes widened. And then you spotted them.

Your angelic blue eyes. Reddened, but still so beautiful.

"What –" You started speaking, but she shook her head.

"Don't speak."

And then she was kissing you.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

You opened your eyes, yawning. You fell asleep – well, you actually passed out. Your clothes were scattered over your room, and so were hers.

You turned around, finding her eyes. She was staring. You could tell she had been for some time.

"You never came to class." She said, breaking the silence. "We had a group project."

"I'm sorry." You mumbled. "I wasn't feeling well."

"Yeah." She muttered, pulling the covers. "It happens when you stay up all night." You frowned, but she shrugged. "Your mom called. I actually didn't go too, you know."

"Didn't get much sleep?"

"No."

You two stood in silence for a while, staring at each other.

"How are you?" She asked, pulling a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Okay." You lied. She noticed.

"Santana." She sighed, rolling her eyes. "I think you know better than lying to me."

"I love you." You breathed, and she closed her eyes.

"I know." She mumbled. "I love you too. But –"

"But I'm too late."

And then there was silence again. And it cut you deep, like a blade. Until.

"Do you have any idea of how angry I still am with you?" She sighed, lifting her hand to stroke your cheek. "Like, I have never been this mad with anyone else before."

"I love you."

"I know, and that's the problem." She answered, and you frowned. "I mean, I was really hurt when you first said that. Like, really hurt. But then I remembered you told me you loved me the first time we had sex – yes, I heard that – and I got really mad, 'cause really, you can't just stop loving me. You had to be lying. And then you came over and told me you loved me, and I got even more angry, because –"

"Britt, I was scared."

"But that's my point." She groaned, pulling the covers to her head. You moved a little closer to her, pulling the covers slightly down. Her eyes avoided yours for a second, and you smiled at that, because she was just too cute sometimes. You leaned in, pressing your lips to her forehead. She didn't push you back. "You always trust me when you are scared. You trust me to tell me you are afraid of storms, you trust me to tell your mom it's not your fault when you get into fights, you always trust me. But you chose to lie to me, because you were too scared of loving me and that I couldn't keep you safe. And I got angry, because I can keep you safe. And then I was angry _and_ hurt, because you don't trust me, so there can't be a relationship."

You swallowed hard, closing your eyes for a moment. You knew she was waiting for you to say something, _anything,_ but you didn't know what to say. Because, because there was too much you wanted to. And yet, there was nothing.

"I came out." You whispered, and she nodded slowly.

"I know. That's why I'm here."

"I'm not following." You frowned.

"Well, your mom and Quinn called me today." She started, moving her hand once again to your cheek. "Your mom told me you came out, and that you were really sad because we had a fight and that you wouldn't be going to class. Quinn told me you came out too, and she also said that she knows you are a fuck up for like, 99,99 per cent of the time, but that I would be an asshole and unhappy for the rest of my life if I let the love of my life go just because I was upset."

"Okay…" You bate your lower lip. "I still didn't quite get the coming out part."

"Santana." She sighed, smiling. "I'm here because you are willing to try. Because you are – you did this for yourself. But that means you want to fight for us. And – " She looked at you, hope in her eyes. "That also means I was wrong. That means – do you trust me?"

"Of course I do, silly." You smiled, grabbing her hand and kissing her knuckles. "I trust you."

"Okay." She sighed in relief. "Then I guess you weren't too late."

"And what now?"

"Now you are making me something to eat, 'cause I'm really hungry." She answered, sitting on the bed. She let the covers fall back to the bed, and you watched her hungrily. And you knew she knew you were watching. "Did you ask Quinn to bring me home today? That's sweet."

"Her mouth is too big sometimes."

"San." She giggled, crawling back to bed, on top of you. Her eyes were locked with yours, and she had a smile on her lips. "We'll have to go slow, okay?" You nodded, heavy breathing. "It really hurts to know you slept with someone else because you didn't want to be with me." And now she was too close, dangerously close. "But we can go slow tomorrow."

And she was kissing you again.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

Apparently, she was really serious about this "going slow" thing. Because seriously, it's been a month and you hadn't actually kissed her during all this time. But it was okay, actually. You really wanted to, but it was nice going slow on this. All the giggling, hugs and kisses on the cheek you got every morning were worth the wait. And the cheesy texts; you swore you'd never do this. But – well, you never thought you would be madly in love with a girl.

And today was her birthday.

And yes, you were quite aware that you looked ridiculous walking inside McKinley's hallway with a small bouquet of lilies (according to Britt, they were the lesbians flowers) and a card in the other hand. She hadn't gone to school with you today because your dad had taken you to the floriculture near your place to pick flowers to her, and you were just so nervous because you'd never done this before, and you spent the whole drive asking him if the flowers weren't too much, or if you should or shouldn't give her the card, or if –

You spotted her near her locker, as usual. And.

And she was talking to a boy.

Sam Evans.

And, as you turned around, you felt ridiculous. Not only because you looked like one of these heartbroken guys from the movies with the flowers on your hand, but because you were jealous. You shouldn't be so jealous, because they were just talking. But you were.

"Are you seriously gonna get upset with me whenever I speak to a boy?" Brittany asked, an arm wrapping around your waist and her lips pressing to your cheek. "If you wanted to know, he's totally into Quinn. He's been asking for help to approach her for a few days."

"Sorry." You mumbled, turning around to hug her. She smiled, pressing a kiss to your hair. "Happy birthday, Britt."

"Thanks." She let go of you, taking a step back. "Are these for me?"

"Y-yes." You stuttered, awkwardly handing her the flowers. "I-I, uh –"

"They are really pretty." She leaned, kissing your cheek. "You are too cute." You smiled, blushing and looking down to your feet. "Oh, you made me a card!" She excitedly started to open it, but you shook your head. "Why can't I read it yet?"

"Just – later, okay?" She pouted, but nodded. "Uh, Britt. Do you have any plans tonight?"

"Not really. My parents actually have plans for tonight." She huffed, crossing her arms to her chest. "Why?"

"I was wondering i-if you would g-go on a d-date with m-me." You stuttered, mentally slapping yourself. "T-tonight, that is."

"Oh." She blushed slightly, offering you a shy smile. "Of course I will." Then, she frowned. "Are you sure you are ready for this? Or wait, is that a friend date? I'm sorry, I got it –"

"N-no!" You squealed. Okay, that was embarrassing. "I want to take you out on a real date, Britt-Britt." You cleared your throat, placing your cool hands on your own cheeks, trying to minimize the heat. "I'll pick you up at eight?"

"You don't have to pick me up, Santana." She rolled her eyes, smiling. "I can walk, what was that, twenty steps? I don't remember, but I can walk to your house."

"It's actually twenty five." You corrected her, and her gaze made you blush even harder. These were the times you were really thankful for your tanned skin. Otherwise, you'd be looking like a tomato. "But I want to pick you up. Like, I've never done the full experience. Let me?"

"Alright then. Let's do it your way."

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

You shouldn't be so nervous. It's not like you'd never been to Brittany's house before; you grew up there. And her mom and dad were like your other parents too, and her little sister was like your own little sister, and it was a little bit weird, because you wanted Brittany to be your girlfriend, and to be the daughter of your girlfriend's parents made it sound creepy, but –

"Santana Banana!" Brittany's dad greeted you, pulling you into a tight hug. "It's about time you take my baby out, isn't it?" He joked, and you smiled as you returned the hug.

"Dad, I said I would answer the door." Brittany pushed him lightly, giving you a soft peck on the cheek when he let you go. "Are we good to go?"

"Y-yeah." You nodded, before giving her flowers, roses this time. And yes, you were very aware this was sort of cliché, but whatever. She deserved it. "For you."

"You gave me flowers today, silly." She joked, but took the roses from your hand.

"But I want the full experience." You pouted, and she laughed, shaking her head.

"Did I mention how cute you are?" She sighed, stroking your face. "Thank you, San. They are really beautiful."

"Alright, I'll have mom to put these on water for you." Her dad spoke, and you were suddenly reminded he was still there. "Go! I don't want to be late for my plans." He winked at you, and Brittany frowned.

"I feel like I'm missing something here." She mumbled, and you both laughed.

"Don't be silly." You offered her your hand, which she took almost immediately. You couldn't help but notice how perfectly they fit. "Come on. Bye, Mr. Pierce!"

"For god's sake, Santana, it's Peter!" He yelled, waving as you two walked to your car. "Have fun, girls!"

"I'm sorry for that." She mumbled, and you shook your head, giggling. "He is a little too excited with this date." You opened the door for her, and then made your way to your own seat.

"Well, aren't you?" You joked, stopping a moment to actually look at her. And she looked beautiful.

All of her was perfect. Her skirt, which combined perfectly with her shirt, and with her boots, and with her hair, and with her eyes, and with her smile, and with her – she just looked stunning. She wasn't wearing anything fancy, but neither were you. And she still managed to look like a goddess.

You obviously had been staring like a creep for too long, because she was frowning at you worriedly. "San, is everything alright?" She asked, snapping her fingers in front of you. "You spaced out for a moment. Are you okay? If you are not ready, it's okay –"

"You just –" You interrupted, a goofy grin on your lips. "You look really beautiful, Britt."

She blushed, looking down shyly. "Stop it. You look even more beautiful."

"I have to disagree."

And then you turned your car on and started driving. She immediately started searching through your iPod, and soon enough to sing along. It didn't take you too long to join her; you loved singing with Brittany. Your voice made a perfect combination.

When you started leaving the city, she seemed to get a little worried. "You are not, like, gonna try to kill me or something like that, right?" She asked, and you couldn't help but laugh at that.

"I couldn't. I can't live without my best friend."

"Are we best friends?" She looked confused at you. "I thought you said –"

"We can have both, Britt." You answered quickly. "You'll always be my best friend. That's pretty much why we would be an awesome couple."

"Aren't we a couple?" she questioned, and then it was your turn to get confused.

"I thought we were still getting there." You mumbled, and she offered you a smile, squeezing your thigh. "Oh, we're here."

She looked around, then at you. "I don't see anything out there."

"You are looking to the wrong side." You answered, parking the car. "Come on."

And yes, you were also quite aware that taking Brittany on a date to see the stars wasn't also the most creative thing ever, but you knew how obsessed she was with this type of thing, and all you wanted was her to be happy on your first date. So yes, you spent the last few days locked in your room studying astronomy, learning about stars and all these things. You also managed to get Quinn and Mercedes to help you build a telescope, which was now in the trunk of your car. And yes, you may or may not have made your mom and dad as your personal guinea pigs when you tried to cook something to bring for tonight, because you wanted everything to be perfect, even though –

Even though you were pretty sure she'd be happy just to be here with you.

So you set the telescope and asked her to show you some constellations, and you shower her a few you had learned as well. And then you sat the picnic basket on the floor, grabbed the blankets you brought for you to share and then started having dinner in a comfortable silence with her.

"This is so nice." She hummed, lying down on the ground with you. You rested your head on her chest, mumbling something even you didn't quite get in agreement. "Everything is perfect, San. Thank you for doing this."

"You deserve it." she lifted her head just a little, pressing a kiss to your hair. "I actually got one more thing to you."

"Santana, you've done too much. I'm feeling guilty because I only got you like, a friendship bracelet on your birthday."

"Which I still wear." You smiled, showing it to her as she showed you her matching one. "And don't forget my other present was birthday sex. I think it's the best that exists." She blushed, but grinned at the memory. "But don't worry, it didn't cost me anything. It's just something I wanted you to have." You sat on the ground, grabbing your purse to look for it. And then you pulled a pink notebook, obviously kind of old, and gave it to her.

"What is this?" She asked, sitting down too.

"When I learned to write, I started writing down every little thing you'd tell me about yourself so I'd never forget it." You explained, watching as she opened it. "I've been doing it since we were six. And I already finished this one, and I kinda know it by heart, so I wanted you to have it."

She opened it on the first page, finding a messy handwriting, obviously from a little kid.

 _Brittany likes hugs_

 _She's afraid of clowns_

She laughed at these, passing through some other pages, with a better looking handwriting now.

 _She really likes dogs_

 _She actually likes pretty much any type of animal_

And then to a most recent handwriting, which you recorded very well.

 _She loves when I wake her up with kisses_

 _She gets lost easily_

You could see tears forming on her eyes as her lips got pouty.

 _She thinks dolphins are just gay sharks_

 _She thinks I'm beautiful_

 _She gets upset when I'm mean_

And the last one, on the last line of the last page.

 _She loves me_

She cried. You didn't mean to make her cry, but yet she cried. And you didn't know how to comfort her, because you weren't so sure about why she was crying.

"You are just –" She started, but didn't finish it. She leaned forward, grabbing your face and kissing you. And that's when you felt your heart exploding.

Because making out under the stars with the girl you loved seemed, somehow, unbelievable.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

You took her back to her place, and insisted on walking her to the front door.

"Are you sure you don't wanna spend the night?" She asked once again, and you gulped, because _yeah,_ you did.

"No, I don't know." You pressed a kiss to her lips once again. "But can I come in for a second? I forgot my keys, and I'm pretty sure my parents are asleep."

"Sure." She opened the door, walking into the dark room. And then, all the lights were on.

"Surprise!" a bunch of people yelled at the same time, and she almost had a heart attack. She looked at you, obviously confused, and you laughed of her face.

"Happy birthday, Britt." You congratulated once again, taking a step forward and finishing with the space between your mouths. You could hear people laughing and even cheering, but you didn't care.

You knew you were on the right place.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

Just later that night, when she was lying on your bare chest, skin to skin, sleeping peacefully with you, you just knew it.

It couldn't be wrong.

It was where you wanted to be for the rest of your life.


	6. Twenty six

**Twenty six**

You woke up with the sound of the door opening, but you didn't move. You just waited, listening to the sounds on the living room. First, she dropped her bags on the couch. Secondly, she walked to the kitchen, opened the fridge and grabbed the bottle of juice. And then, just after she drank half of the bottle, she started making her way to the bedroom.

She opened the door quietly, getting her shoes of before climbing to bed. And you smiled, because you'd missed her. And you knew she knew you were awake, because she was shamelessly kissing your neck and letting her hand wander under your shirt.

"How are my babies tonight?" She asked, her voice extremely tired. You smiled, because now she stopped wandering close to your bra and pressed your hand to your stomach, where a barely noticeable baby bump was starting to grow. "I missed you so much."

"Oh baby." You cooed, turning around to see her blue eyes. You smiled, kissing her lips. "I missed you too. How was the audition?"

"Tiring, but I think I found the perfect dancers. They're totally gonna rule, San." She answered, a little more excited. It was dark, but you could see her blue eyes glimmering. "Mike thinks they're gonna do great in the studio too. Oh, I even recorded them dancing to show you tomorrow, 'cause – I mean, you do wanna see it, right?"

"Of course I do, baby." You yawned, stroking her blonde hair. "Our little dancer here wants to see it too."

"But baby, he can't really see us." She pouted, and you giggled at that.

"Of course _she_ can." You corrected, and Brittany scoffed, pretending to be offended. "Our baby can feel it. I'm sure she'll be a dancer just like her mama."

"And _he_ 'll be just as brilliant as his mami." You rolled your eyes, but didn't argue. She kissed the bridge of your nose, pressing both of her hands to your bump again. She leaned forward just a bit, pressing sloppy kisses to your neck, which made you hum in pleasure. "I really, really, really missed you."

"Come here." You pulled her closer, making her lay almost on top of you. She was just so tired. You could see it in her face, in her moves, which were much slower than normal. So you just kept pressing kisses to her face and stroking her blonde hair until she was almost asleep. "I love you so much, baby."

"I love you too."

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

Living with Brittany was the best thing you could have ever done. Of course you were a little hesitant when you first moved to New York, because everything on your relationship was finally starting to go well, and you were accepting yourself each day a little bit more. You were scared that if you two moved together, that would all end.

And, oh lord, how wrong you were.

First of all, you got to sleep with your girlfriend every single day, not only on the weekends. You got to cuddle with her after a long day at work, and you got to wake up every morning by her side. Secondly, you had much more time to hang out, even when it was just to watch one of these Disney movies she loved so much.

And there were just one too many advantages on living with Brittany that you couldn't name them all. And the coolest thing was that, even though you had been living together for eight years now, it still felt all the same way. Maybe you loved her just a little bit more than you used to, but apart from that, all the same.

And apart from the baby growing inside you, of course.

You got married when you were twenty one. She proposed the week after you had been invited to record an album with one of these big companies, which Mercedes had arranged you to. And it was beautiful, just the two of you in the middle of Central Park, while watching the sunset. And when you were twenty four and had made your name as a singer, and Brittany as a choreographer, you both opened your own label record. _LP Studios,_ you named it. She worked as a choreographer for the singers and you worked, not only as a singer anymore, but as a composer and vocal trainer. You were pretty happy; you also had Quinn to help on the finances, Rachel Berry, Mercedes and Kurt Hummel as, as much as you hated to admit, one of the best singers your label had had.

And you two had a happy life as a married couple; you loved each other, you understood each other and you helped each other. Of course you had some silly fights, but who doesn't? And, besides years and years that had passed since you started having sex, it still felt like something new every time. And you just loved it.

But something was missing.

You got a dog and a cat. The thing is, Brittany wanted a cat, but you wanted a dog. Since yours passed when you were twenty three (which made you cry for a whole week), you finally, almost with twenty five years, decided to get a new one. Britt didn't argue, as long as she could get a cat too. And you were happy with your pets that, surprisingly, were also happy with each other.

But still something was missing.

And, by the age of twenty five, you and Brittany decided it was time to have a baby.

It took you three times to finally get pregnant, but when you finally did, you couldn't be happier. There was a baby, Brittany's baby, growing inside you. And no, you didn't feel fat. You felt beautiful every time you looked in the mirror. Even when you were finally six months pregnant, you couldn't feel anything but beautiful. And Brittany was always there to tell you so.

"I'm telling you," Brittany said, pressing wet kisses to your baby bump. "This one is definitely a boy."

"And I'm telling you," You stroked her blonde hair, keeping her face close to your body. "This one is definitely a girl."

"Let's bet then." She said, a bit too excited. Brittany loved bets. "If it's a boy, I'll chose our outfits for Halloween. And I'm already telling you that we'll be dressing as Harry Potter's characters."

"Fine." You agreed, rolling her eyes at her obsession with these books. "If it's a girl, you'll cook me dinner for a whole month, non-stop. And no ordering."

"You got a deal, young lady." She grinned, crawling on bed to kiss you again.

And you were happier than you ever thought you'd be.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

You dressed as Belatrix for Halloween.


End file.
